Journey

I am not God.

The reason I know this is that making an actual life and death decision was the most awful thing I could think of. And I prayed that God would not have me choose, but He did. Jesus did not come get the Claude Dog, and when I think about it, nearly a month later, all the energy drains from legs, beginning with the very top of my quads, and I have to breath and concentrate on something.

That’s why I’m not God… I can’t handle final decisions that can’t be taken back. To many what ifs, I should haves and I shouldn’t haves. To much doubt and too many questions.

I am not God and I don’t want to be and I have a new respect for him.

Things just are never one way or another, and that’s sorta the point. I couldn’t make it if it were. Life’s gotta fluctuate. But it’s just how you ride the roller coaster and how you stack the scales on the balance.

Today, a teacher brought me a Diet Dr. Pepper, just to be nice.

Today, I sorted through some papers and encountered a progression of old vet bills since September chronicling our recent struggle.

Today, two students self-referred themselves to me to discuss how to handle their situations.

Today, I found the recipes for homemade doggie meatloaf that in the end he couldn’t be tempted to even nibble.

Today, I had a medium sized dance class where a 5 year old rocked out for an hour, mostly with his own steps in his own world, but at least traveling in the same direction as the rest of us.

Today, I am dreading going to sleep because sometimes I dream he is looking for me.

It’s just a balancing act, and I need God to tip my scales. I will be grateful for every nugget He gives me daily. Being blind to those jewels would be a waste. Daily will be my answer.

I sorta told myself I was better and on to less intense sadness, but upon returning from TETA, I have truly discovered that Jean Claude is still gone… The permanence is unrelenting. He’s not at Mom and Dad’s. There is no one to pick up… It is a different tear of weary submission to loss.

I am at TETA, a conference for theatre in Texas and I can’t get into the groove of the creative spirit that engulfs here normally. I think its the lack of application available to me at the moment. I have no place to direct/create/inspire. I haven’t actually done theatre in so long. Sitting in the dark audience working with a group of people to create a product to edify, enlighten or confront is so soothing. Like a tangible purpose, like a living literature experience. The lack of my own energy and project is deflating

So… as we were leaving Drug Emporium I thought to myself “We gotta hurry to let Jean Claude go potty”… then I realized what I had just contemplated. I paused, and then I rationalized ”You know, it’s kinda nice to not have to rush home and it’s kinda nice that JC isn’t having to ‘hold it’ all day anymore”. The rush of guilt over that made my throat close and the space behind my eyes heated up to push out tears. But this is part of grief, so I will feel it with genuiness, sit with it and not push it away and know that this will happen.

This is love- putting his needs in front of mine. That is why I did what I did- putting his needs in front of mine. And I wouldn’t take back a moment.

So… I used 2 copies of this Wheel of Life. I tried to be honest as possible and what I really see is that my time and energy is really divided between 2 of my 8 areas. That means that 6 areas that are important to me are just really neglected!

THEN I looked at how satisfied I am in the 8 areas. The areas that are sucking up most of my engery and time I am not that satisfied in. And the 6 neglected areas I am even less satisfied with!

So…. what does this mean? This means that I am wasting my time and energy…. or at least I am ineffective with what I am doing with my time and energy. I need to regroup. Maybe that is what I am going to do with this 52 Weeks thing. I prayed for some direction. Maybe this is it.

I did great until telling my family about the marker for Jean Claude. What I wanted on it. But I think that is expected to break down a little at that moment….

Then when we got home I walked quickly to the bedroom just to make sure that I confirmed that he was not asleep on his bed, not hearing us come in as his hearing was shot… and nope, he wasn’t there. His bed’s not there, just that void in the carpet where his bed was… and that was just tough and yucky, not surprising, but just confirmational of my loss. My big, stupid loss…..

First Draft:

I will work with those in my life to create a deeper love for each other and the world in a open, Christ-centered envelopment of support and engagement. I will develop an atmosphere of family-oriented interactions of peace, respect, growth and fun. I will strive to show flexibility, understanding, and strength in each moment. I will value love through actions and words, relationship as I enjoy couple time and big team time, and balance in activity and rest. I will encourage safety in intimacy, family development through honesty, and edification as a result of transparent self-expression. I believe in growth through study, prayer, and service all centered around my Jesus. 

Now- where to post this in real life…. if this is what I want….

What do you like to do? –Theatre, write, watch movies, think, study, create

Who and what inspires you? – Go deeper and think about why. What speaks to you when you think about those things and people? Nana inspires me by teaching me through my mom about how to treat people, all people.

What do you feel strongly about in life?What things would you defend fully in an argument with other people? –I feel strongly about Jesus and the Bible, education, special education, value of life for everything, respecting others 

When you close your eyes and visualise the person you want to be (free from anyone else’s influence) what stands out to you? How does that “future you” act? What do they believe in? The future me is skinny, powerful, in control, dressed pretty nice, She acts fulfilled, happy, confident, and strong. She believes in making people better

What are you dead set against in life? Identifying your anti-values can reveal something you are passionate about that you can define in positive value terms. (example: knowing you are 100% against war and conflict brings you to a possible value of  peaceful or pacifist or non-violence) I am dead set against hurting people, so I am value safety, growth and empathy.

Narrow the value words down to 10-15 that represent you and your vision. safety, growth, empathy, happiness, confidence, strength, betterment, create, reflection, and control

2. Review and reflect on this list until you can narrow it down to 5 words and/or phrases for greater clarity.  growth, empathy,  confidence, strength,  create

3. To rank these values in order of importance to you look at the top 5 and ask yourself if you had to pick only one of these values to focus on and hold true which would it be? Write that down as #1. Look at the remaining 4 values and ask the question again with your answer becoming #2. Carry on until all five values have been prioritised. This is the simplest way to get yourself to weigh up the words to rank them.

1. Empathy

2. Growth

3. Confidence

4. Strength

5. Create

It’s leaving and arriving that are causing me problems, and waking up and going to sleep.

Leaving, I want to call out “stay here and guard the house”, and arriving I want to call out “Jean Claude, I’m home!”, but there is no one to call out to. Waking up I normally would get in the floor with him and love his head and give him some wakeup kisses. Going to bed I just want this to be temporary, knowing that tomorrow will be the same is pretty deflating.

But balancing these feelings with the fact that I know he was sick; I know he was old; I know his organs were stopping; I know his arthritis was worsening; I know his Cushings was not being controlled by the meds; I know ….. I know…. Balancing just helps my thoughts, not my feelings.

And I am just a little mad at God. I never once asked for more time- I knew better. But I did ask for Jesus to just come and get him, and he still made me make a choice. That hurts that my Jesus didn’t take care of me how I thought he should, but maybe I just don’t get it…. no, I just don’t get it.