Journey

It’s leaving and arriving that are causing me problems, and waking up and going to sleep.

Leaving, I want to call out “stay here and guard the house”, and arriving I want to call out “Jean Claude, I’m home!”, but there is no one to call out to. Waking up I normally would get in the floor with him and love his head and give him some wakeup kisses. Going to bed I just want this to be temporary, knowing that tomorrow will be the same is pretty deflating.

But balancing these feelings with the fact that I know he was sick; I know he was old; I know his organs were stopping; I know his arthritis was worsening; I know his Cushings was not being controlled by the meds; I know ….. I know…. Balancing just helps my thoughts, not my feelings.

And I am just a little mad at God. I never once asked for more time- I knew better. But I did ask for Jesus to just come and get him, and he still made me make a choice. That hurts that my Jesus didn’t take care of me how I thought he should, but maybe I just don’t get it…. no, I just don’t get it.